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Now, I’ve seen some parlors, right? One in Tortuga—filthy shack, smelled o’ rum and regret. Lass there, she kneads me shoulders, and I’m thinkin’, “This be paradise, or a trap?” Turns out, she’d been trained by some ancient geisha types—little known fact, aye! Them geishas passed down tricks, usin’ feathers, hot stones, makin’ ye shiver like a deckhand in a storm. Got me feelin’ alive, not just a soggy pirate! But then—blast it—she ups an’ charges me double! Made me mad as a shark with no teeth, I tell ye!

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But then, outta nowhere, this guy spills his drink all over my table. I’m like, “Seriously, dude?!” I mean, come on! I just wanted a peaceful moment with my borscht. So, I’m wiping up the mess, and he’s apologizing like he just committed a crime. I’m trying to be nice, but inside, I’m fuming. Like, can’t a swineherd catch a break?

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