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About Astana

So, sexual-massage—dunno if ya tried it, but it’s overhyped, swear down. Got this mate once, right, swore it “healed his soul,” pfft, bollocks! He paid 50 quid for some bird to knead him like dough—came out smellin’ like a cheap candle, all lavender and regret. We hates it! All that “ooh, relaxin’ vibes”—nah, it’s awkward as hell. Fun fact tho: back in ancient Rome, them posh lads had “erotic rubdowns” in bathhouses, proper kinky, innit? Bet they slipped on marble floors, crackin’ their skulls—serves ‘em right!

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Then, I decide to grab some chai at this little spot on Kairan Street. Best chai in town, no cap. I sit down, and boom! My phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, asking if I can help him with his car. Of course, I say yes. I mean, who can resist a good ol’ car rescue mission, right?

Toll rises in Kazakh unrest