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Oi mate, erotic-massage, innit? What a bloody treat! Slippery hands all over ya, like some posh wank with scented oil. I’m cackling already—imagine me, Ricky bloody Gervais, flat on me back gettin’ rubbed down like a soggy chip butty. Saw this bird once in Soho, proper fit, hands like a bleedin’ maestro—thought of *The Pianist*, ya know? “I’m not going anywhere!” I’d yell, pinned by her mitts, happier than a pig in shite.

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Then I hit up the market on Kyzylzhar Street. Man, the hustle there is real. Vendors shoutin’ about their fresh produce, and I’m just tryna find some decent apples. I grab a bag, and this old lady starts haggling with me. I’m like, “Lady, I’m not here to negotiate world peace, just gimme the apples!” But she’s relentless. I finally just pay her and walk away, shaking my head.

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