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Me, I’d be rubbish at giving one. Hands like a bricklayer’s, I’d probly chafe someone’s bits off! Got me mate Dave once, right, he swears this lass in Bangkok did it with hot stones. HOT STONES! On his todger! I’m like, “You mad bastard, that’s a barbecue, not a massage!” Nearly pissed meself laughing. But fair play, he said it was bliss—steamy, sensual, the lot. Made me jealous, didn’t it? Bastard.

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Finally, I get to the fields. The sun’s beatin’ down, and I’m sweatin’ like a sinner in church. I start plowing, and it’s like therapy. The rhythm of the tractor, the smell of fresh earth—it’s peaceful. But then, outta nowhere, my buddy Sasha shows up. He’s got this wild idea to race tractors. I’m like, “Dude, we’re not in a Fast & Furious movie!” But he’s all hyped up, so I’m like, “Fine, let’s do this!”

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