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About Astana

I tried it once, legit, at this sketchy spa in Calabasas. The girl was all pro, hands like magic, and I’m layin’ there, like, “This is my moment, bitches!” Made me happy af – tension gone, stress yeeted. But, ugh, this one time, some dude was all, “Happy ending?” and I’m like, “Ew, gross, get outta here!” Made me so mad, like, don’t ruin my zen, bro!

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When I get there, the cat’s just chillin’ on a branch, lookin’ down at us like we’re the idiots. I’m tryin’ to coax it down, but it’s not budging. My mom’s freakin’ out, and I’m like, “It’s a cat, not a rocket scientist!” Finally, I grab a ladder, and after a struggle that felt like wrestling a bear, I get the furball down. Mom’s all teary-eyed, and I’m just relieved I didn’t break my neck.

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