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Aight, listen up, ya filthy animals! I’m Eric Cartman, respect my authoritah! Talkin’ bout erotic-massage today—serious bizness, folks! Makes me all tingly thinkin’ bout it, like when I watched *Boyhood*—that flick took 12 freakin’ years to make! “I’m done with this crap,” I said, but nah, it’s my fave, real life unfoldin’, just like a good rubdown!

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After that, I head over to the park near the river. It’s usually my go-to spot for some peace. But today? Nope. There’s a bunch of kids playing soccer, and they’re loud. Like, really loud. I’m trying to meditate or whatever, but all I can hear is “GOAL!” every five seconds. I’m like, “Can’t a person catch a break?”