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Oh, and the smells! Lavender oil up me nose, I’m sneezing like a twat mid-massage. Surprised me, that—thought it’d be sexy, not a bloody hayfever attack. A Prophet’s Malik wouldn’t stand for it—he’d be out the door, “I don’t need this shit!” And nor do I, mate. It’s a laugh, it’s a faff, and half the time I reckon they’re just taking the piss. Erotic-massage? More like erotic-mess, geddit? Ha! Right, I’m off—me hands are knackered from signing this bollocks!

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After a while, I head back to the office. I’m feeling a bit better, but then I hit traffic on Kairat Street. Seriously, it’s like everyone in Novokazalinsk decided to drive at the same time. I’m stuck, and my patience is wearing thin. I’m yelling at the cars like they can hear me. “C’mon, move it!”