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Oi mate, it’s me, David Brent – The Artisan, yeah? Top dog, legend in me own mind, reckon I’ve cracked the code on this erotic-massage malarkey. Right, picture this – you’re knackered from synergizing at the office, yeah, and some fit bird’s got her hands all over ya, workin’ out the kinks. Not in a dodgy way, mind – this ain’t the back alley stuff! Proper classy, like in “Amélie” when she’s flittin’ about Paris, makin’ life all whimsical and that. “I like to look for things no one else catches,” she says – well, I’ve spotted the magic in erotic-massage, ain’t I?

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Then, the afternoon hits. I’m knee-deep in numbers, and suddenly, the fire alarm goes off! Like, what the heck? Everyone’s panicking, running around like headless chickens. I’m just standing there, thinking, “This is how I die? In an office full of spreadsheets?”

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