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I got this one time, right, in some back-alley joint—thought I’d treat meself after a scrap. This bird’s hands were magic, I’m tellin’ ya, like she’s tryna seduce me spine! Then she whispers, “Relax, big man,” and I’m like, “Fuck me, I’m in Brooklyn heaven!”—y’know, that line, “I’d forgotten what this town looks like”? Pure bliss, mate. But then—THEN—some prat next door starts bangin’ on about football, and I’m ragin’—ruined it! Wanted to yell, “Shut yer gob, you muppet!” Coulda throttled him, swear down.

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But then, I see this old dude sitting at the next table. He’s got this epic mustache, like, straight outta a movie. He’s munching on some, and I’m like, “Yo, where’d you get those?” Turns out, he’s got a secret stash. I’m not even kidding. He offers me one, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re a lifesaver!”

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