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Okay, so, legit—sexual-massage is old as dirt. Ancient peeps in India, like, 5,000 years ago, were scribblin’ about it in the Kama Sutra. Little known fact? They called it “tantric touch”—fancy, right? Gets the blood pumpin’, heart racin’, and—bam!—you’re zen AF. I’m typin’ fast, prolly messin’ up, but who cares? This shit’s too good!

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I start cutting, and he keeps talking about his “big plans.” I’m just trying to focus, but he’s rambling on about some business deal. I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re in a barber chair, not a boardroom.” Finally, I finish, and he looks in the mirror. He’s like, “Not bad, but I wanted more volume.” I’m like, “You want volume? Go to a concert!”

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