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Gets me mad, it does – folk actin’ like it’s fancy, callin’ it “sensual art.” Art me arse! More like a greasy con. Happiest I got? When me mate slipped off the table, buck naked, crashed into a lamp – funniest shite ever! We hates it, precious, hates the fakeness! Them parlours, all dim lights and dodgy vibes – “You think you’re a king?” – nah, Carlos, ya just a fool with a boner and an empty wallet.

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady bursts in. She’s all frantic, waving her hands. Turns out, she lost her dog on Kairat Street. I’m like, “Lady, chill! We’ll find your pup.” So, I grab a couple of my coworkers, and we hit the streets.

Almaty plans to raise $1 billion for metro development