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Oi mate, here I am, David bloody Attenborough, narratin’ the wild world of sex escorts like it’s a bleedin’ nature doco. Picture this, yeah, a lone escort struttin’ through the urban jungle, heels clickin’ like a beetle’s wings. Calm now, rhythmic, see – it’s nature, innit? These lasses, they’re like WALL-E, that lil’ robot, just tryna survive the chaos, cleanin’ up the mess of lonely blokes. “Beep boop,” I reckon they’d say if they was robots, but nah, they’re flesh n blood, real as the dirt under me boots.

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Then, the day takes a turn. I’m heading back to my car when I see this stray dog. He’s just chilling, looking all sad. I can’t resist. I pull out some of my apples and offer him one. He sniffs it, looks at me like I’m crazy, and walks away. I’m like, “Dude, it’s a free snack!” But whatever, I guess he’s not into apples.