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So, I tried it once—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David, in some shady joint downtown. The ad said “professional,” but the place smelled like patchouli and regret. This chick comes in, all calm, whisperin’, “Just breathe, man,” and I’m like, “Breathe? I’m hyperventilatin’ over here!” She starts rubbin’ my shoulders, and I swear, it’s pretty, pretty good—till she gets to my lower back and I yelp like a chihuahua on a hot plate. “Whoa, lady, that’s restricted territory!” She laughs, says it’s all part of the “release,” and I’m thinkin’, “Release? I’m about to release my lunch!”

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Finally, I’m back at my car, and I’m exhausted. My feet hurt, and I’m ready to hit the road. But as I’m driving out, I can’t help but think about Bulayevo. It’s a small town, but it’s got heart. The people, the vibe, the chaos—it’s all part of the charm. I might be a forester, but today, I felt alive in a way I haven’t in a while.