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Hiii honey, oh my gawd, lemme tell ya bout this sexual-massage thing, nasal voice on blast, heh heh heh! Picture this, I’m sittin there, thinkin bout “Spirited Away,” ya know, my fave flick, and I’m like, “No face could use a rubdown!” Sexual-massage ain’t just some sleazy backroom deal, nah, it’s got history, babe! Way back, like ancient times, them Greeks and Chinese were all bout it—massagin with a lil spicy twist, heh!

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I get there, and she’s late. Classic. I’m pacing around, checking my watch, and this random guy starts chatting me up. He’s like, “You waiting for someone?” I’m like, “Yeah, my sister. She’s always late.” He laughs and says, “Sisters, man. They’re the worst!”