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So, sex-dating—apps, hookups, swipin’ right—it’s a freakin’ jungle. You got these billionaires—yeah, “Billionaires should not exist!”—runnin’ Tinder, Bumble, makin’ bank off lonely hearts. Pisses me off! They’re sittin’ in mansions while we’re out here, dodgin’ catfishes and ghostin’. I mean, c’mon, last week I heard this story—dude met a chick online, total babe, right? Turns out, she’s a 50-year-old trucker named Dave. True story! Sex-dating’s got surprises like that, keeps ya on edge—like when Veronica in the movie goes, “I hit something,” and ya don’t even know what’s real!

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But then, outta nowhere, this kid bumps into me. I drop my shashlik! I’m like, “Noooo!” My heart breaks. The kid just laughs and runs off. I’m fumin’. I mean, c’mon! I just wanted one good meal.