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Numbers don’t lie—70% hookups, no love. Tinder’s a meat market, stinks of desperation. Met this chick once, profile said “fun only.” Next day, clingy texts—fucking liar! Made me mad, wasted my time. “I’m done with this crap,” I growled, vodka in hand. Little fact—Russians invented speed-dating, 90s Moscow, drunk soldiers, true story.

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Then, boom! The door swings open. It’s this lady, all frantic. She’s like, “Help! My kid’s stuck in a tree!” I’m thinkin’, “Lady, I’m a barber, not a firefighter!” But she’s got that look, ya know? So, I grab my phone, call the fire department, and tell her to chill. Meanwhile, I’m still tryin’ to finish up with Mr. Bird’s Nest.