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Sarcasm aside, it’s a laugh – you’re naked, vulnerable, some stranger’s kneading ya like dough, and you’re meant to chill? Hilarious! Best bit? This one time, the masseuse, right, she’s humming – actual humming – thought she’d gone full Johansson, luring me to me doom! Didn’t die, obvs, just left with a daft grin and a back that didn’t creak. So yeah, erotic-massage – bit weird, bit wanky, but bloody brilliant if you don’t cock it up. Try it, ya prat – just don’t blame me if ya get hooked!

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Finally, I get my food. It’s decent, but I’m already late for work. I dash out, and guess what? My phone buzzes. It’s my boss. “Where are you?” Ugh, I’m on my way! I sprint down to Kyzylzhar Street, dodging potholes like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. Bayanaul’s streets are a whole vibe, but man, they need some serious TLC.

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