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Oh, and the oils—don’t get me started! They’re all scented, slippery, makin’ ya feel like a goddess or somethin’. I was shocked—*shocked*—how quick I forgot the altitude sickness. Poof! Gone! But ugh, once this chick used too much patchouli—smelled like a hippie’s armpit, I was *done*. “This ain’t no dream, it’s a nightmare!” I screeched, channelin’ my inner Ellen Burstyn from the movie, ya know? *HEE-HEE-HEE!* Still, when it’s good, it’s *good*—like, “I’m goin’ crazy here!” levels of good.

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First off, I hit the road on Kairat Street. Traffic was a mess. Like, come on! It’s not rush hour, people! I’m just trying to get to my first client. I’m a financial advisor, not a traffic cop. Anyway, I finally get to this café on Abay Street. Great coffee, but the barista? Total grump. I mean, dude, it’s just coffee! Lighten up!

Arlington doctor, Rotarian triumphs in Peking-to-Paris rally