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Lemme tell ya somethin’—I tried it once. Matched with this chick, bio said “adventurous.” Thought, “Hell yeah, jackpot.” Turns out, “adventurous” meant she wanted to bang in a cemetery. I’m like, “What is this, a rendition site?” Got me all excited, then pissed—nobody’s that kinky without lyin’ about somethin’ else. Probably married. Everybody lies, told ya. Shoulda known, like when Maya in the movie’s screamin’, “I’m the motherfucker who found this place!”—except I didn’t find shit but a headache.

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But then, my phone buzzed. It was work. Ugh! They needed me to fix some last-minute stuff. I was like, “Not today!” But I had to. So, I rushed back to my place, dodging people again.

Gator sighting jolts idyllic town; search continues for 3rd day