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Lemme spill some tea—did ya know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Ancient Greeks were all over it, callin’ it “body worship”—fancy, right? Got me hollerin’ “No capes!” ‘cause who needs extra baggage slowin’ this ride? I tried it once—oh honey, nearly floored the gas! This chick’s hands? Magic! Had me purring like a tuned-up Porsche. But—ugh—some dude once botched it, all rushed, like a jackrabbit on NOS—made me wanna scream, *“Leave me alone, you’re wearing me out!”* Total buzzkill.

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But then, outta nowhere, a bunch of kids started playing soccer nearby. They were loud and rowdy, kicking the ball everywhere. One kid kicked it right at me! I dodged it like a ninja. I was like, “Dude, watch it!” But they just laughed. Kids, man.

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