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I tried it once, okay? Some chick with oils, smellin’ like hippie crap – lavender or some shit. She’s kneadin’ my back, and I’m like, “This is gay, stop touchin’ me!” But then, it gets… kinda good? Like, my shoulders ain’t screamin’ no more, and I’m thinkin’, “Am I a pussy for likin’ this?” Total mindfuck, dude! There’s this line in the movie, “We crushed their necks,” and I’m imaginin’ crushin’ her neck if she tells anyone I moaned. Ha! Bet she’d squeal.

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But then, my computer crashes. Like, full-on blue screen of death. I’m freaking out. I just lost hours of work. I’m ready to throw my laptop out the window. But then, I remember the parrot. I take a deep breath. “It’s just numbers,” I tell myself.

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