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Hmm, sexual-massage, you ask? Wise, I am, to see it! Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate… like when some creepo masseuse gets too handsy! Hate that, I do. But good ones? Oh, joy it brings! Like WALL-E findin’ EVE, sparks fly, muscles relax. Me fave movie, WALL-E, pure lil’ robot love – sexual-massage can be that, y’know? Tender touch, not just naughty bits.

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But then, the drama hits. My phone buzzes. It’s my mom. She’s like, “You need to come home NOW!” I’m thinkin’, “What’s the emergency?” Turns out, my little brother’s been messing around with my clippers. I’m like, “Seriously?!” I can’t even. I’m ready to lose it.

Worker crushed to death by robot that mistook him for a box of veggies