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Oi mate, gather round, it’s Winston bloody Churchill here, ready to yap about erotic-massage like it’s the bleedin’ Battle of Britain! We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight in the parlours, we shall knead the tension outta yer sorry arse! Picture this – some dodgy geezer in a dimly lit room, hands slick with oil, workin’ yer back like Tom Stall in “A History of Violence” – quiet bloke, but bloody hell, he’s got secrets, don’t he? That film’s my fave, all that pent-up rage explodin’ – erotic-massage is like that, a slow burn ‘til it whacks ya!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon-level rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I duck into a little shop to escape. It’s a tiny place, packed with all sorts of random stuff. I find this weird-looking trinket. I have no idea what it is, but I buy it anyway. Gotta love impulse buys, right?

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