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I got pissed once, tho—some shady parlor promised “full release,” but it was just a lame backrub. False advertisin’, man! I wanted to yell, “Unleash the damn power within!” But then, this other time—holy crap—I found a legit spot. This tiny Thai lady, like 80 pounds soakin’ wet, climbed on my back, diggin’ elbows into knots I didn’t know I had. I was HAPPY, bro—grinnin’ like a fool. Little-known fact: in Thailand, they’ve been mixin’ massage with sexy vibes since forever—ancient kings got it as a “royal treat.” Freaky, right?

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Finally, we ended the night at this karaoke joint. I’m not even gonna lie, I can’t sing for sh*t. But I got up there and belted out some J-Pop. The crowd was either loving it or laughing at me. Who knows? But I was having a blast!

Ida Heikkinen Signs for Union