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I’m sittin’ there thinkin’, “Is this really happening?”—like Scarlett Johansson whisperin’ in my ear, all soft, “Let’s never come back.” Sex-dating’s got that pull, brah. Ya chase the thrill, the rush, the “oh shit, she’s into me!” moment. But sometimes it’s fake AF—catfishers everywhere! This one time, I drove 30 miles for a “surfer babe”—turned out to be a hairy dude named Chad. Laughed my ass off, tho—gotta roll with it.

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After that, I’m tryin’ to salvage my petunias, and guess who shows up? My neighbor, Mr. Tanaka. He’s this old dude who thinks he knows everything about gardening. He starts lecturing me about how I should’ve planted them deeper. I’m like, “Thanks, Mr. Tanaka, but I didn’t ask for a gardening seminar.” He just chuckles and walks away. I mean, c’mon!