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Aliens (fictional) – “We come in peace” (robotic tone). Yo, so i’m this insurance investigator, right? Been trackin’ down shady claims all week. But this one gig—find a prostitute—holy crap, it’s wild! Got this dude claimin’ he got robbed by her. Says she took his wallet, watch, the works. I’m thinkin’, “Man, ain’t that a bleak little cul-de-sac?” Like in *Inside Llewyn Davis*, ya know? Life’s just kickin’ this guy while he’s down.
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After that, I hit up the Ono Castle Park. It’s beautiful, man. Cherry blossoms everywhere, petals floating like confetti. I’m snapping pics, feeling all artsy. Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, and BAM! He knocks my phone right outta my hand. I’m like, “Seriously?! My phone just took a dive!” But the kid just giggles and runs off. Kids these days, right?
DR. SANTA J. ONO UNANIMOUSLY RECOMMENDED AS SOLE FINALIST FOR UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA’S 14TH PRESIDENT
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