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Hate the fakes, tho – ugh! Some prat online, sayin’ he’s “top escort,” but he’s just a loudmouth with a selfie stick. Makes me wanna chuck me telly out the window – crash! Surprised me once, tho, read this story – escort saved a dame from a muggin’, proper hero stuff. “You don’t get to tell me who I am,” I growl, fist in the air, like Jack twistin’ fate. Reckon I’d be rubbish at it, tho – me, escortin’? I’d trip, lose the client, end up in a bush, heh!

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So, I hit the streets, right? First stop, the famous Hachiman-bori canal. It’s like, super picturesque, with those cute little boats and all. I’m takin’ pics like a tourist, but then I trip over my own feet. Classic me, right? Almost dropped my phone in the water. That would’ve been a disaster.

Shiga: Man suspected in corpse-dismemberment cases decade apart