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Oh, and the apps—don’t get me started! Algorithms playin’ god, matchin’ ya with weirdos. Once got catfished by a bloke pretendin’ to be a witch—showed up, no tits, just beard! Laughed my arse off, but still, what a twat. Pro tip: check pics twice, or ya might end up screamin’, “This is the end of it!” like in the film. Sex-dating’s a gamble, but that’s the thrill, innit?

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I start my investigation at the local park, where the bike was last seen. It’s a nice spot, with cherry blossoms and all that jazz. But I’m not here for the scenery. I’m on a mission! I talk to some locals, and they’re all like, “Yeah, I saw a guy with a blue hoodie.” Great, thanks for the help, Sherlocks.