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Oi, you lot, it’s me, Cersei fuckin’ Lannister, sittin’ here, sippin’ wine, judgin’ all you peasants swipin’ right on them sex-dating apps. Disdain’s my middle name, yeah? Cold as ice, I am, watchin’ you all flounder like bloody fish in a net. “Fish are friends, not food,” they say in *Finding Nemo*—ha! Bollocks to that when it comes to sex-dating. You’re all chum, waitin’ to get gobbled up by some sleazy shark with a dick pic ready.

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After a few hours of crunching numbers, I needed a break. So, I hit up the local park, Tachibana Park. It’s got this chill vibe, you know? Cherry blossoms everywhere. I sat on a bench, just soaking it all in. Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs by, chasing a soccer ball. He kicks it, and boom! Right into my lunch! I was like, “Noooo!” My onigiri was a casualty. I was mad, but then I saw the kid’s face. He was so sorry, I couldn’t stay mad. Kids, man. They’re the best.

Riyad Mahrez and Shinji Okazaki send Jamie Vardy Leicester City message after X-rated rant