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Alright, you little bastards, listen up! I’m Eric Cartman, agronomist extraordinaire, and I’m here to talk about wheat—yeah, wheat, you heard me! Respect my authoritah! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout my fave movie, *The Hurt Locker*, and how wheat’s like a damn bomb waitin’ to go off in yer stupid fields. Seriouslah, wheat’s a sneaky lil’ whore, ain’t it? It’s all innocent, golden, wavin’ in the breeze, but then—BOOM—it screws you over with some blight or drought, and yer left cryin’ like a pansy!
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First off, I hit up the local konbini on Nakashima Street. You know, the one with the best onigiri? Grabbed a couple for breakfast. I’m munching away, feeling like a king, when I see this cat just chillin’ on the sidewalk. Like, dude, you’re not even phased by the world. I envy that cat.
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