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Oh, and the lies! Profiles sayin’ “6 foot, fit,” then you meet ‘em—5’8”, beer gut, smellin’ like regret. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I’d say, if I could pick the liars out. Surprised me how bold they get—catfishin’ like it’s an Olympic sport. One time, this bloke sent me a dick pic, unasked! I’m like, “Mate, I didn’t order sausage!” Laughed my ass off, but also—eww, boundaries, ya pig!

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First off, I hit up the local konbini on Shimozato Street. You know, the one with the weird mascot? Yeah, that one. Grabbed some onigiri and a can of coffee. I’m chowing down, and this old dude starts chatting me up about the cherry blossoms. Like, bro, it’s not even sakura season! But whatever, I nod and smile.

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