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So, I tried it once, right? Profile says, “Ricky, 47, sarcastic git.” Birds message me, “u funny lol,”—geniuses, eh? Met this one lass, total nutter, bangs on about crystals and “vibes.” I’m like, “Love, I vibe with beer, not quartz!” She’s all, “let’s hook up quick,” and I’m thinkin’, “Time slips by, you daft cow!” Straight outta the movie—missed chances, not cheap thrills!

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I finally find her, and she’s in tears. I’m like, “What’s wrong?” Turns out, she forgot her mom’s birthday. I’m like, “Girl, how do you forget that?!” But I feel for her. We hit up a few stores, and I find this gorgeous necklace. She loves it! I’m like, “Yasss, we did it!”