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About Saitama

The movie again, that scene where they’re by the river, all slow and dreamy—I bet if they had sexual-massage back then, Pocahontas and John Smith would’ve been all, “Let’s connect, baby!” But no, they just stared at each other, which, honestly, is less awkward. I’d rather stare awkwardly than have someone rub me down while I’m stressing about my cellulite.

What happens during the massage?

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First off, I grab my gear and head out. I’m cruising down Route 204, and let me tell ya, the traffic was a mess. Like, come on, people! It’s not rush hour, it’s just a Tuesday! I’m stuck behind this old dude in a tiny car, and he’s going 30 in a 50 zone. I’m like, “Bro, you’re not in a race, but c’mon!”

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