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I love that flick, Uncle Boonmee—trippy as fuck. “Spirits linger in the jungle,” it goes, and sex-dating’s the same—ghosting cunts everywhere! Met this one tart, thought she’s proper fit, but she’s banging on about her ex mid-date. I’m like, “Oi, love, I ain’t here to therapize ya!” Surprised me, though—some punters actually find love in this swamp. Mate of mine, Dave, met his missus on Tinder—six years now, the smug git. Makes me happy, sorta, but I’d rather die than admit it.

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The presentation starts, and I’m translating like a madman. My hands are flying everywhere. I’m trying to keep up with Igor’s rapid-fire speech. At one point, he says something about vodka, and I can’t help but chuckle. I mean, who doesn’t love vodka, right?

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