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Little fact for ya—didja know sex-dating apps spike on Valentine’s? Yeah, lonely hearts get desperate, it’s hilarious! I was on there once, scrollin’, and this chick’s like, “DTF, no strings.” Straight up! I’m thinkin’, “Bloody hell, love, at least buy me dinner first!” Got me mad, tho—where’s the chase, the thrill? Everyone’s so damn lazy now. Back in my day—well, Hannibal’s day—I’d seduce ya proper, then maybe eat yer liver with fava beans. Classy, yeah?

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But then, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard, and it comes straight for me! I’m like, “Oh no, not again!” I duck just in time, and the ball goes flyin’ past. The kids start laughin’ at me, and I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up!” But deep down, I’m kinda glad they’re havin’ fun.

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