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So, last week—d’oh!—I’m cruisin’ downtown, belly fulla donuts, lookin’ for some action. Streets are buzzin’, lights flashin’, and I’m like, “Marge’d kill me, but whatever!” You gotta dodge the cops, tho—sneaky bastards. Fun fact: back in old Rome, prostitutes wore blonde wigs to stand out. Crazy, right? Imagine that—blonde wig, high heels, waitin’ under a lamp post like some ninja from “The Assassin.” “She moves in silence,” like the movie says, and bam, there she is!

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I’m tryin’ to lift it, but it’s heavy as heck. I’m like, “C’mon, muscles!” But then, I hear this weird noise. I look up, and there’s a freakin’ turtle just chillin’ next to me. I swear, it looked at me like, “What’s your problem, dude?” I couldn’t help but laugh.

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