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Sex-dating’s wild, tho. You got catfishes, ghosters – freakin’ ghosts! One chick, we’re hittin’ it off, then poof, gone. Like, “Where’d you go, huh? Iraq?” Another fact: 1 in 5 profiles got fake pics – saw it on X, some nerd studyin’ this crap. Blows my mind. Happy? Sure, when it works – banged this one gal, real firecracker, no strings, just how I like it. “The rush of battle is a potent addiction,” like Bigelow says. That’s sex-dating, fam – addictive as hell.

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But then, as we’re slurping noodles, I get a call. It’s my buddy, and he’s like, “Dude, you won’t believe what just happened!” I’m like, “I’m in the middle of ramen heaven, what’s up?” Turns out, he just won a trip to Hawaii. I’m happy for him, but also, like, why not me?