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Aight, fam, listen up! Me, Ali G, gonna chat bout erotic-massage, innit. Proper wicked stuff, yeah? Picture this – you’re laid out, all bare, some fit bird or geezer rubbin’ you down with oils, hands slidin’ everywhere, like. Makes me think of me fave flick, *Let the Right One In* – “I’m twelve, but I’ve been twelve for a long time,” that vampire lass says, yeah? Erotic-massage be like that – old as fuck, ancient vibes, but still fresh, still got that tingle, know what I mean?

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But then, I see this kid. He’s trying to catch a goldfish in a little pond. He’s so focused, it’s hilarious. I’m thinking, “Dude, it’s just a fish!” But he’s determined. I love that energy.

Man arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting teenage girl in Gifu park