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Once knew this guy, Tony—swore he met a hooker who only took Bitcoin. Bitcoin! Who’s got that lyin’ around? Laughed my ass off, but he was dead serious. Said she was classy, too—like, high-end call girl vibes. “I use sex to fill the void,” Brandon says in the movie, and I’m like, damn, Tony’s livin’ that. Me, I’m just tryna promote the good life, y’know?

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Finally, I get to the park, and there’s this little dude, Yuto, waiting for me. He’s like, “You’re late!” And I’m like, “Dude, I’m here now, let’s roll!” He’s 6, full of energy, and honestly, he’s a handful. We start running around, and I’m trying to keep up.

Massive M7.4 earthquake hits near Fukushima, tsunami warnings issued