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Alright, listen up, you degenerates—sex-dating’s a freakin’ minefield. Everybody lies, right? Just like in *Zero Dark Thirty*, you’re huntin’ for somethin’—truth, a hookup, whatever—but it’s all buried under layers of crap. I mean, swipin’ on apps, it’s like interrogatin’ a suspect. “Enhanced interrogation,” my ass—half these profiles are fake as hell. Dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2” when they’re barely 5’9” in lifts. Chicks postin’ pics from 2015, pre-kids, pre-20 pounds. Everybody’s playin’ a game, and I’m over here like, “We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.”

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I decide to wander over to the Yasu City Museum. I’m thinking, “Let’s get some culture.” But, of course, it’s closed for renovations. Typical! I’m standing there like an idiot, staring at the “Closed” sign. I could’ve sworn I saw a raccoon laughing at me.

Yasu Kizaki of Sushi Den and Izakaya Den on Sourcing Fish From the Japanese Fish Market