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Oh, and the pics—don’t get me started. Some bloke sent me a blurry cock shot, like I’d swoon over that rubbish. “Mine, mine, mine,” like them seagulls in *Finding Nemo*, claimin’ their prize. Mate, I’d rather shag a kraken. Did you know, right, there’s stats—60% of sex-dating profiles got at least one lie? Height, job, that “gym pic” from five years back. Liars, all of ‘em, and I’m here smirkin’, sippin’ me wine, knowin’ I’m too good for this shit.

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But then, as I’m leavin’, I trip over a stone. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out on the ground, and this group of tourists starts laughin’. I’m like, “Great, just great.” But then I laugh too. I mean, what else can ya do? Life’s too short to be mad about a little tumble.

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