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But—aw, man—sometimes it’s a mess. This one guy, friend of a friend, bragged he’s bangin’ three gals a week off these apps. Three! I’m like, “C’mon, man, slow down!” He’s out there livin’ like a rooster in a henhouse, and I’m just tryin’ to find one good date. Gets me steamed, folks—where’s the heart in it? Sex-dating’s s’posed to be fun, not a dang contest! “Everyone is disappointing,” Kaufman said—boy, ain’t that the truth sometimes?

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First off, I hit up the local konbini on Kōen-dōri. You know, the one with the best onigiri? I grabbed a tuna mayo one, my fave. But guess what? They were outta stock! Like, seriously? Who runs outta onigiri? I was fuming. I mean, c’mon, it’s Tanashicho! Get your act together!