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Oi, you bloody muppets! Sex-dating’s a fuckin’ mess, innit? Like, swipe right, bang, done—idiot sandwich! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “Her”—that flick’s my jam. Joaquin’s all lonely, chattin’ up his AI bird, Samantha. “I can’t believe how real this feels!” he says. Mate, sex-dating today’s the same vibe—fake as fuck but you’re hooked. Apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever—total shitshow. You’re scrollin’, horny as hell, then bam—catfish! Some twat with a filter thicker than my lamb sauce. Pisses me right off!

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Finally, I head back to the bay, hoping the tide’s calmed down. I’m feeling a mix of anger and excitement. I mean, I came here to dive, not to dodge flaming torches! But when I get there, the water looks perfect. I suit up, and as I’m about to jump in, I see this massive school of fish swimming by. I’m talking thousands of them! It’s like a scene from a movie. I dive in, and it’s like entering another world.

Ryan Gauld, Mathías Laborda, and Yohei Takaoka named to MLS Team of the Matchday for Matchday 24