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Preciousss, listen up, ya filthy hobbitses! Me, Gollum, Dispatcher of the dark, talkin’ ‘bout whores—nasty, tricksy things! “Stupid, fat hobbit!”—they stumble blind, don’t see the grime I sees. Whore, yeah, she’s like WALL-E, rollin’ through trash, lookin’ for somethin’ shiny. “Beep boop,” she goes, all cute-like, but nah—she’s crafty, sneakin’ coin from yer pocketses!

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I rushed to my desk, typing like a madman. My fingers were flying over the keyboard. I was sweating bullets. I mean, who knew spreadsheets could be so intense? I was like, “Why did I choose this job?” But then I remembered the sweet paycheck. Gotta pay the bills, right?