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Oi, you donkey! Sexual-massage, right? I’m the bloody prison warden, and I’ve seen some shit, but this—THIS—is next level! Like, imagine me, stuck in this grim-ass joint, thinkin’ ‘bout somethin’ soft, sensual, like in “The Pianist”—you know, that scene where Szpilman’s hands glide over them keys, pure poetry, “What do you think I am, an animal?!” Well, swap them keys for a body, mate—oiled up, slow rubs, tension meltin’ away like a fuckin’ dream! I’d kill for that after dealin’ with these numbskulls all day!

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Next, I wander over to the coast. The view? Breathtaking! I mean, the ocean is this deep blue, and the waves are crashin’ against the rocks. I’m feelin’ all philosophical, like, “What’s my purpose?” But then I see a seagull swoop down and steal someone’s fries. I laugh so hard, I almost choke. Nature’s savage, man!

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