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So, me, I’m Mr. Bean, yeah? *mimes rubbing shoulders, drops imaginary oil bottle* Oops! I’d be rubbish at it—hands shakin’, oil everywhere, prolly slip on me arse. But—ooh—it’s lush, innit? Relaxes ya, gets the blood pumpin’. *hums, sways, bangs knee on table* Ow! Bloody hell, that’s me—clumsy git. “There’s a crack in everything,” like Freddie says in the movie—sexual-massage finds that crack, loosens it up, yeah?

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First thing, I hit up the local konbini on Kōen-dōri. You know, the one with the best onigiri? I grab a couple, and the cashier, this super chill dude, gives me a nod like we’re best buds. I’m like, “Yeah, man, I’m back for more!” But then, I spill my drink all over the counter. Classic me, right? I’m just standing there, mortified, while he’s laughing. I mean, come on!