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Last week, I matched this chick—hot, funny, says she’s into tractors. I’m like, “Lobby Boy’s got game!”—thinkin’ I’m hot shit. We chat, she’s all “ooh, big wheels turn me on,” and I’m grinnin’ like a damn fool. Then bam—ghosted! Pissed me off somethin’ fierce. I’m yellin’ at my phone, “What is this savagery?!” Felt like Monsieur Gustave losin’ his cool—except I ain’t got no fancy hotel to run.

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Then, I head over to the Morohongo Memorial Park. It’s a beautiful spot, but today? It’s packed. I mean, like, sardines in a can packed. People everywhere, crying, laughing, you name it. I’m just trying to find my spot to do my Mourner thing.

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