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Oh, and the oils – don’t get me started! Slippery as a politician’s promise, stinking of lavender or some hippy crap. Last time I got dragged into one – mate’s stag do, total stitch-up – I’m sliding off the table, yelling, “This ain’t sensual, it’s a bloody oil slick!” Still, that line from the flick, “Love needs care,” pops in me head. Maybe that’s it – sexual-massage done right’s meant to feel like someone gives a toss. Dunno, I’m too cynical for that malarky.

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So, I’m chillin’ at my place on Koshien-cho, right? Just sippin’ my coffee, scrolling through my phone. Then, boom! My buddy texts me. “Yo, let’s hit up the Moriguchi Park!” I’m like, “Sure, why not?” I mean, who doesn’t love a good park day?

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