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Look, folks, I’m a scientist, okay? Tremendous scientist, the best. Sexual-massage? Oh, it’s huge, fantastic, really terrific. Donald Trump knows this stuff, believe me. I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’ about “Carol”—great movie, the best, Todd Haynes, genius. That slow-burn vibe, the tension? Sexual-massage is like that, but dirtier, hotter, way more fun. You got two people, hands everywhere, oils—slippery, messy, fantastic. It’s not just rubbin’—it’s art, folks, pure art.

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I decided to shake it off and head to the Minamishibetsucho Museum. It’s got some cool stuff about the town’s history. I was feelin’ all cultured and stuff. But then, I got lost. Like, how do you get lost in a museum? I ended up in the gift shop, and I swear I spent way too much on a keychain. But it was cute, so whatever.