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Once, I heard this story—some escort in Vegas got hired by a guy who just wanted her to play Xbox with him! No hanky-panky, just gammin’! Blew my mind, dude! I was like, “What a freakin’ weirdo!” But then I thought, shit, I’d pay for that—kickin’ ass in Halo with a hot chick? Hell yeah! “Are we lovers or not?” I’d ask her, all dramatic like in the movie, then burp in her face for laughs.

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We push through the rain, and I’m trying to keep spirits up. “Hey, at least we’re not in a boring office, right?” Some chuckle, others just glare at me. I mean, c’mon, lighten up! We finally reach this stunning viewpoint on the trail. The clouds clear up, and BAM! The view is like a postcard. I whip out my phone to snap a pic, and guess what? My phone dies. Classic, right?

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